I woke up on Tuesday morning 11 weeks pregnant full of excitement and anticipation with a growing bubble of joy inside me. The scan brought the worst possible news and instead of being able to share my wonderful happiness with you all I feel devastated.
All the plans and dreams in my head are gone replaced by a grey fog. My children have been sweet and kind, concerned about their weeping Mummy who's trying and failing to hold it all together. My son climbed into bed with us at 4.30 am bring his special and most favourite toy for 'Mummy to cuggle' My daughter stayed awake till we got home from the hospital as she 'couldn't go to sleep until she had given me a hug'. Every time I look at their lovely faces it just reinforces what we have lost. My wonderful husband has been a tower of straight and support despite his own pain, pushing the hospital to stop shillyshallying and get on with taking care of me. Kind friends have brought flowers, hugs and shoulders to cry on. I never realised how common it is to loose a baby, or how little the doctors seem to know about why it happens.
I think it was Domesticali who wrote about the elephant in the corner, I feel a bit like that. I have nothing else to talk about or think about at the moment. Soon my little blog will go back to twittering on about creativity and domestic life but just for today it is full of tears.